Crossroads

I have realized something about myself in the last couple of weeks...I am not very good at making decisions. I constantly worry about making the right choice, and I often feel that no matter how much thought and preparation go into making a decision, I still feel like I am rushing into things. My mind always plays out the worst possible scenario and that scares me into backing out and keeping the status quo. I have also realized that I really crave affirmation from everyone around me, and my ideal situation would be for someone else to make the hard choices for me. I mean, I know that asking people you trust about their opinions is a good thing, but I think I rely on other peoples' judgement too much. John and I have come to a crossroads in our life together, and a lot of big changes are in the works. I really need to find the strength within to go with these changes and trust that we are doing the right thing.

Maybe the biggest hurdle for me in accepting change, is that things are not going the way I had planned them out in my head. I never really had a whole life map for myself anyway, but I had envisioned finishing school (check), getting married (check), finding a teaching job (still waiting for that one), starting a family (check), and then I planned on taking a few years off to enjoy being a mom and then finishing my career out in a job that I loved and offered the optimal schedule for raising a family. Well, things are not quite working out that way. I have yet to find a job that will offer a steady stream of income, and while substitute teaching is a great part-time way to earn some extra money, it is incredibly unstable and it poses a real challenge in finding child care. Meanwhile, John and I are just treading water in our current situation just waiting for something to improve. On top of the fact that finding a job is difficult, I have a real fear of committing to something full-time because while I pride myself on working my way through college and having a great work-ethic, I have never actually had a full time, 5 day a week, 8-hour a day job. I'm worried that I will be overwhelmed by all of the new responsibility of having a full-time job, raising my son, maintaining a relationship with my husband and my family, as well as taking care of a home that already gets neglected most of the time. I doubt my abilities as a teacher as well. I have really great days and I get really pumped up and excited about it, but the long hours, the challenging students, and the many obstacles facing the profession really make me wonder if that is what I want to invest my life in. I have looked at other career paths as well, but the problem I face there is that I really have no other skills or experience outside of the teaching profession and my work in customer service. I'd really love to work in HR or college admissions, but they want experience and schooling in those fields. This is all just very depressing. I just wish I had the ability to see into the future and know what I was supposed to do at this crossroad. Do I wait out the teaching economy and devote my life to that, but in the meantime live in this agonizing limbo? Or do I turn elsewhere and get something full-time now, but put my dear boy in daycare and possibly overextend myself and get into a career that I am not as passionate about?

Buying our first home is also very stressful. I have seen and heard of way too many horror stories of people getting into homes that become a complete money pit and ruin marriages and financial dreams. My biggest fear is failing as a wife and a mom because the everyday stresses of life become too much. The biggest reason for divorce is money, so it seems like a deal with the devil to get into a financial obligation that I have doubts about. But then I step back and realize just how much John and I have done together so far, and we are leaps and bounds ahead of the average home buyer when it comes to our saving, our budgeting, and our expectations. We aren't looking at more than we can easily afford on one income, and we have proven over the past few years that we can commit to saving and living within our means. Even if something catastrophic came our way (which it has many times), I know we will get through it.

I think I just need to keep thinking rationally, praying, and talking it out and I will eventually be at peace with a plan of action. I just need to trust myself and make the best out of whatever we decide to do!