Marriage and Money

Just a warning: this is a very personal post, and I hope that you will read it with compassion and understanding instead of judgement...

When John and I met in 2007, I was finishing up my undergraduate degree and living with my sister and he was working the night shift at a local home improvement store and living with his parents. It was a pretty whirlwind romance and he moved in with my sister and I within a few months, and we had our own place a few months after that. John bought into my dreams of going to graduate school right away and was so supportive emotionally, physically, and financially while I saw that through. We began combining our money almost immediately after moving in, because it just made the most sense logistically. He was footing most of the bills while I focused on school, so there was really no use in keeping them separate. Soon after moving in, we were engaged and planning for our future together! Slowly over the next year, our financial histories started making themselves aware to each other and we really needed to sit down and lay everything out. I was so embarrassed and guilt-ridden for bringing so much student debt to the relationship, on top of the consumer debt that built up after years of living beyond my means. John came with less debt, but most of it was in a bad state of neglect and he also had some lingering financial obligations to an ex. I think we were both so ashamed of putting this burden on each other that it was really hard to just be honest and put it out there. I would be lying if I didn't say that I had some resentment toward him for not only having this old debt but also for not bringing it to my attention sooner. I'm sure he was feeling equally overwhelmed by what he was signing on to as well as the main breadwinner for such a large amount of loans to be repaid. There were many days where I wondered if we could ever succeed financially together and get ourselves to a place where we could start fresh. There was a little voice in the back of my head saying that money ruins marriages, and what a mistake it would be to start off in such a bad place. I was scared.

I had a decision to make. I either needed to slow down this relationship and make sure that both of us take care of our own personal finances before we get married, and allow ourselves to come to the table with clean hands and a fresh start, or I needed to decide that I was in it for the long haul and work it out together. I chose the latter. John and i came to a mutual agreement that whatever debt or financial obligations that we were bringing to the marriage was now OUR debt. We were going to start over fresh as a couple, making choices together and aiming toward the same goals, and whatever we brought from the past would be tackled as a team. John got a second job working nights, and I got a second job as well. We both worked our butts off and were able to make good on some of the more pressing obligations that he had bought with him, as well as knock out my consumer debt one at a time using Dave Ramsey's debt snowball program. We both were put at ease knowing that whatever mistakes we had made in the past were behind us, and we would be able to trust in each other to make good decisions in the future. We were also much happier knowing that we were attacking our problems as a team instead of holding each other's mistakes over the other one's head.

Once we made the commitment to attack our debts and get them out of the way of our relationship, it really didn't take that long for us to pay them off. I really believe that our marriage is so much stronger because we were able to go through this process together and really put our trust in one another. I have never regretted the decision to take on his debts as my own, and I know that he doesn't either. There is so much more love, understanding, and harmony now that we are on the same team, instead of the resentment, arguing, and judging that could have come from expecting the other one to clean up their own "mess".

Hope that this provides inspiration to let some grudges go and focus on what is important in your relationship. If things are hard right now, make the commitment to team up, and it will be a lot easier to conquer!

Sarah